Why Friendships Matter So Much to Your Teen (and to You)

Written By Laura Thomas

It won’t surprise you to hear that friendship struggles come up a lot in my work with teens and their families

In fact, alongside school stress and mental health concerns, friendships are one of the most common sources of upset, confusion, and worry, for young people and parents alike.

Whether your teen is being left out, caught in constant drama, or just feels like they don’t quite belong, it hurts. It hurts them, and it hurts you watching from the sidelines, unsure whether to step in or stay out of it.

So, this week’s theme is one I know matters deeply: Friendships. Why they matter. What to watch for. And how to support your teen through it all.

Friendships Shape Teen Identity

The shift from family-focused to peer-focused relationships is not just normal - it’s essential for adolescent development. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though.

In early adolescence (roughly ages 10–14), friendships become central to how young people see themselves. They begin to explore who they are outside of the home and start defining their values, interests, and even their sense of worth based on who accepts them, and who doesn’t.

This is exactly why I dedicate a whole chapter to friendships in both my books: Parenting Unstoppable Girls and Parenting Teen Boys with Confidence. Because when we overlook the importance of peer relationships, we miss a huge part of what makes the teen years so turbulent and transformative.

In short: friendships aren’t just a ‘nice to have.’ They shape your teen’s self-esteem, social confidence, and emotional health in powerful ways.

What Parents Tell Me

1. “My teen doesn’t have any friends.”

This one runs deep. If your child seems isolated, always at home, or never invited to hang out, it’s natural to worry.

But be cautious here: pushing your teen to “go make friends” can easily backfire. It can feel like pressure or, worse, criticism.

Instead, start with connection. Ask yourself:

  • Where do they already feel safe or seen?

  • Is there a cousin, neighbour, or online friend they enjoy chatting with?

  • Could they feel more at ease in a structured group (e.g. youth theatre, scouts, gaming communities, art clubs)?

One solid connection is often far more powerful than a large social circle. And yes, it’s perfectly valid if that connection is a sibling, older cousin, or even a trusted neighbour. Don’t underestimate the value of those quieter bonds.

2. “I don’t like the friends they do have.”

This is tough, especially when your gut says “something isn’t right.”

Here’s the golden rule: banning friendships won’t works. If anything, it makes the friendship more appealing and your teen more secretive.

Instead of confrontation, go for curiosity:

“What do you enjoy about hanging out with them?”
“What kind of stuff do you talk about?”

Often, when teens feel safe to reflect without judgment, they’ll start noticing red flags on their own. The aim is not to push them away from a friend, but to pull them into a space where they can think clearly for themselves.

3. “They’re always on their phone talking to friends—it’s too much!”

From the outside, it can look like non-stop scrolling or mindless chat. But for your teen, their phone is often their lifeline to connection.

Yes, boundaries are important. But shutting it all down with a “we didn’t have this in our day” just won’t cut it. It doesn’t make sense to them—and it doesn’t help them learn how to manage digital friendships with balance and care.

Try this instead:

  • Ask about what they’re chatting about or who they enjoy talking to.

  • Show interest in their online world, just like you would if they’d met someone at a youth club.

  • Gently model healthy habits—like screen-free mealtimes or outdoor walks together—without making tech the enemy.

What Teens Tell Me

Working with teens, I hear the things they don’t always say out loud at home. Here’s what’s really going on beneath the surface of those friendship struggles:

1. “I don’t fit in.”

This hurts—often more than they’ll admit. If your teen says this, don’t rush in with reassurance. “Of course you do!” might feel kind, but it often lands as dismissive.

Try this instead:

“That sounds really rubbish. Want to tell me more?”

Then remind them gently that not fitting in with one group doesn’t mean they won’t find their place. Sometimes it just means they haven’t found their people yet.

2. “Everyone else has more friends than me.”

Thanks to social media, the comparison game is constant. Instagram stories, Snapchat streaks, WhatsApp groups—they all paint a picture that says “everyone’s more popular than you.”

If your teen is feeling this way, zoom out with them:

  • Who do they feel most like themselves around?

  • Is there someone they can truly relax with?

Remind them (often): one true friend is worth more than a hundred shallow ones. But don’t expect them to believe it instantly—they’re living in a world where numbers feel like everything.

3. “I don’t know who I’m supposed to be.”

This one breaks my heart, and it comes up more often than you'd think.

Many teens, especially boys, feel like they need to shape-shift to belong. To be “more of a lad,” “less intense,” “more chilled.” They try to become what they think others want, instead of who they are.

Your job? Be the one place they don’t have to perform. Say it out loud:

“You don’t have to be anyone else to be enough here.”

Let your home be their safe base, their identity anchor.

Friendships Are Messy and Ever-Changing

If it feels like your teen is always caught in some kind of friendship storm - one minute BFFs, next minute blocked - you’re not imagining it.

Teen friendships are intense, emotional, and in constant flux. That’s not a sign something’s wrong; it’s part of the learning process.

Here’s what helps:

  • Keep conversations open. Even if it’s just five minutes on a dog walk or a late-night kitchen chat.

  • Avoid the trap of judgment. The second you start disliking their friends out loud, they’ll feel like you’re disliking them too—and the connection between you will start to crack.

  • Model adult friendships. Talk about your own friendships, boundaries, fallouts, and how you resolve conflict. Teens watch far more than they listen.

If This Is Coming Up at Home Right Now…

You’re not alone. I promise.

So many families are grappling with exactly this: the tension between wanting to protect your teen and needing to step back. Wanting them to belong, but not wanting them to lose themselves in the process.

That’s why I’ve created a whole range of resources to support you:

In a World That Keeps Changing, Keep Showing Up

You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t need a psychology degree. You just need to keep showing up with curiosity, compassion, and calm.

Friendship challenges are part of growing up. But with you in their corner, your teen has something more powerful than any social status:

A safe place to land.

Until next time, look after yourself and those young adults of yours,

Laura x


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Laura Thomas
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